Bad Friend

Am I a bad friend?

Never in my life have I asked myself this question. That is, until recently.

A week ago, my best friend’s mom passed away. Yes, I still regard Michi as my best friend even after everything that has happened. Not so much because we’ve truly been the best of friends through the years, but because I don’t know how else to pertain to her.

“Patay na mom ko.” She texted me out of the blue.

Too shocked for words, I replied, “Huh?”

I was silently hoping it was a joke. I kept on reading the message over and over again, as if expecting something else after the message. There was none.

“Hey… What happened?” I texted her.

But again she didn’t reply. That got me really worried. Still refusing to believe what could be the painful truth, I called up her boyfriend. He was with her. I got to talk to her. She told me her mom’s blood pressure suddenly rose up. She was brought to the nearest hospital. When her dad arrived, he decided to transfer her to St. Luke’s t since the hospital they were in at that moment did not have enough facilities. At St. Luke’s, they tried all they could to revive her. But sadly, she was declared dead upon arrival.

I couldn’t say anything. I wanted so much to comfort her, but no words came out of my mouth. Worse, I only got to go to the wake late Friday night. She was already somewhat okay by then.

So again, I ask myself, am I a bad friend?

After I heard the bad news, I’ve had so many flashbacks—our instant connection, the endless laughter, the painful tears, the forced smiles, the shocking confrontations, a bleak surrender, and the conclusion of a good friendship. Yes, I was the one who finally gave it all up.

We had our good moments. But things got too distressing towards the end. I tried so hard to save the friendship. After all, we’ve been best friends since Grade 5! But then again, I’ve been pretending to be happy and okay since the end of Grade 6.

I didn’t want to hurt her. I forced myself to believe we could still work things out. That somehow, we could make things go back to the way they used to be. That we could be happy and the inseparable friends we used to be again. Hence, all the lies and pretensions.

But I was wrong. Things turned from bad to worse. And I blamed her for that. I blamed her for my pain. I blamed her for all the wasted time. I blamed her for making me numb and cynical. Most of all, I blamed her for destroying the one thing I’ve treasured for so long. And just before we graduated high school, I gave her up. I just gave it all up.

As I put things into perspective right now, I realize it was my fault as much as hers. At the time I gave up, she was willing to fight for our friendship. I decided I needed the space. I have changed so much; she couldn’t accept that. She remained the same; I couldn’t understand why. We’ve grown apart so I chose to let go.

Was I a bad friend?

When I went to her mom’s wake, I got to see her family again. Except for Tin since she’s in the US. Nina basically still looked the same from the last time I saw her. Miko is already so grown up that I didn’t recognize him. I can’t believe Huey’s already 8 years old! I remember him as a toddler. I think I always will. Gosh… Where did time fly to?

Then, I saw her dad. I remember him telling me on our Grade School Graduation that after 4 years, he will be giving us our medals on our High School Graduation. I remember him offering me a shot of Carlo Rossi at their home when he heard me kidding about drinking. I remember him telling me that he regards me as his daughter, so I should treat him as my 2nd dad.

When I saw him at the wake, he looked like he hasn’t slept nor eaten for days. When he saw me, he gave me a big hug. Michi asked him if he still remembered me. He said, “Of course! Lahat ng best friends ng mga anak ko, di ko makakalimutan.”

Before I left, he told me I should promise that we will be seeing each other again. Not in the same gloomy circumstance. He asked me to promise him that one day soon, we would all go out and just have fun. I promised.

As I look back right now, I can’t help but cry. Not just for their painful loss of a good mother and wife, but for my own loss. Back then, I never realized that when I gave up on my friendship with Michi, I just didn’t lose a friend. I lost a family. And it hurts me knowing that somehow, I have hurt them all. For that, I can’t blame anyone, but myself.

And at this moment, I realize... I wasn’t that great as a friend after all.